My story

Sometimes, life gives you a wake-up call

My Call happened when I was working as a copywriter in London.

Although I loved words and writing, I wasn’t happy. But then I’d never really been happy – I’d had a lot of trauma as a child, growing up with addiction. I was used to feeling not good enough, used to feeling like a misfit.

I didn’t really have a template for joy – my expectations of life were quite low. And I didn’t know what needed to change, or how to go about it, anyway. So, I just carried on.

Until I couldn’t.

Eventually I became ill. Then I burned out. It was only then that I really listened to the voice in my head which – for five years – had been whispering that I should go to Peru, to work with Ayahuasca.

I ignored the Call at first …

Because it was so far out of my comfort zone that I didn’t really take it seriously. Go to the jungle? Take hallucinogens? Vomit? (or worse…)? No thanks!

Then I ignored it because I thought maybe I was making it up.

Then I ignored it because I was scared.

I rationalised that if I kept doing therapy, trauma healing workshops and 12-step meetings, that would be enough.

But I realised that the soul isn’t satisfied with half measures.

When I was finally out of options, I listened. I listened to the voice in my head that was saying ‘Truth!’ ‘Truth!’. I listened to the odd feeling in my body that I couldn’t describe – it was almost like I was being physically pulled to move forwards – even when I was sitting at home on the sofa.

I booked my flight.

Straight away, synchronicities began to happen. One that sticks in my mind happened in the supermarket – Asda, to be precise. I was subletting my flat for two months while I was away, and my mum was helping me clean it before my friends moved in.

The profound moment happened in the toilet cleaner aisle.

My mum was trying to get me interested in a particular product, and she pointed up to what she was talking about. Something drew my eye to the top shelf, where, incongruously, among the blue and green plastic bottles, was a single bottle of alcohol. The name was ‘Amarula’.

 *Gulp*

The name of the retreat I’d booked (and had been hesitating about) was Amaru Spirit. And here was a ‘spirit’ that seemed to be showing me that I was on track.

(Later, when I told my friend about this, she said ‘oh my god, and you were in the toilet cleaner aisle. That means you’re going to get all your shit cleared out!’). How right she was, in more ways than one!

I don’t believe in ‘what ifs’

I believe we always do what we are meant to, at the right time.

And … if I hadn’t gone to Amaru Spirit, but instead had gone to the other retreat I was considering, it’s unlikely I would have had the amazing experiences I did – and in particular, I probably wouldn’t have met the shamanic teacher that became absolutely central to my journey.

My time in Peru extended from two months to a year, and after that, repeated return visits, for months at a time. I managed the retreat I’d been to stay at, and later, lived in the nearby town of Iquitos while I completed a plant medicine apprenticeship with my teacher, and a beautiful plant teacher, Coca.

Of course, nothing was the same after that.

Of all the changes I’ve experienced since I responded to my Call, the best one is that the nagging call to something more has finally gone.

I finally feel like I’m living my real life, instead of being on a constant quest.  

Is your soul calling you?

If so, you don’t have to go to Peru, drink Ayahuasca, or leave your daily life at all to do it. (Unless your soul is whispering to you to do it.)

If you’re here, it might be that this is your journey.